Something I haven't told you

This post is gonna be a long one. I'm gonna tell you about something I haven't told you about before. This is really hard for me to talk about because I always keep this part of my life to myself. It's kinda my little secret. 

Back when I was 12 years old, I started getting really sick. I've been sick pretty often for as long as I can remember, but this time was gonna be a totally different situation. It started out with the flu. Fever, nausea, vomiting, joint pain...you know what it's like. After I had been sick for two weeks, we started to worry a little bit. It didn't seem to get any better at all. I went to the doctor and I ended up in two different hospitals for four weeks combined. A lot of shit happened during that time. I don't even remember everything because this is something I try to force myself to forget. Even though the doctors knew my BODY was sick, they sent me to several psychologists. Only one of them had the guts to stand up against the other doctors and told them the only solution was to give me medications for all the infections and inflammations that had taken over my body. They refused. Not because they thought it was all in my head cause they knew it wasn't, but because the doctors who at one point said it was in my head, didn’t have the guts to admit they were wrong. They took this shit way too far. They said I was faking it, they said I was too close with my mom. They even told my mom to start discussing or fighting with me on purpose. They sent me to a hypnotist and this hypnotist told me this; "The day you close your eyes and picture your body in the color red, you'll be back to normal." These doctors worked at the most known hospital in Norway and just because they were «the top doctors», they refused to admit their mistakes so they kept doing and saying all these crazy things to me and my family.

Months and years went by and I got sicker. My body was so weak and I was in a lot of pain 24/7. At one point I actually fainted up to 20 times a day. The doctors told my mom I was faking those too. Having a regular flu for a week is exhausting but imagine you're dealing with fever, several infections, vomiting and extreme pain for months and years..OF COURSE your body's gonna say "enough is enough" at some point. It got to a point where I was close to dying. The only thing the doctors could give me was intravenous fluid. I talked to my psychologist during this time and talking to this person was definitely one of the things that kept me alive. Nobody saw the situation for what it was except for this person and my doctor in my hometown. And of course my family. 

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A couple of years later we went to one of many meetings with the hospital. My mother and father, my doctor back home, my psychologist and I were on one side. I think you know by now who was on the other. It was us against them. I didn't have cancer but my doctor said things like this to make them understand how serious the situation was; "Talking to a psychologist won't cure you from cancer." We told them that everybody makes mistakes but this situation had turned out to be something a lot more serious than what it could've been. I eventually got medications. The same medications that's being used to treat Lupus. You know when and why they gave me medications? The moment we said we were gonna sue everyone. 

My body finally started to get better but I had a longer road ahead of me than I expected. Actually I'm still on that road in some kinda ways. I worked my butt off to get my physical strength back but one thing I didn't do was to deal with what I had been through. I still haven't. I do my makeup every single day, even on days I’m not leaving the house. Just because looking at myself in the mirror without makeup reminds me of the past. I'm doing everything I can to protect myself from the past. It’s been really hard for me to deal with my life and the whole "I survived" thing. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I have survived yet. It was also very hard for me and sad to see how much it affected my family and my loved ones. I got sick when I was a kid and I had to grow up right away. During all those years, my focus was on surviving. When my body had been doing better for a while I started to deal with depression, anxiety, trust issues and much more. And I didn’t tell anyone about it. I didn't understand what I kept on fighting for. I do know that by now but for a while I didn't. Dealing with those feelings and thoughts were new to me and much more difficult than dealing with physical pain. My immune system isn’t back to normal yet and I often get the flu, especially during winter. But it’s no biggie compared to what it used to be like and I can deal with it for sure! 

This journey has made me who I am today. This is something that will be a part of me till the day I die. I'm not thankful for what those years were like but I'm thankful for the ways they shaped me. Tiny little moments in life that most people don't even notice and take in; those moments used to be and still are everything to me. 

I could write so much more and make this post longer but I'm not gonna do that today. What I just told you is a drop in the ocean but I wanted to share this one drop with you guys. 

I also wanna thank you for supporting me and my music. I truly appreciate and love you. xx